Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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