is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
