the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
