I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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