Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
