Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
