do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
