A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
