She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
