Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
