I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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