Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
