I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
