rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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