Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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