Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
