kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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