I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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