When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
