Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
