so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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