I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
