Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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