Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
