He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
