Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
