When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
