I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
