; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
