I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
