this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
