I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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