rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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