How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
