So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she smelled like a LAN party
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
