I am midnight drunk by noon
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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