so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
