mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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