I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
