im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
