he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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