So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
