The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
