mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
