I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
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You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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