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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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