i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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