Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
