I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
party gras won. party gras always wins.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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