I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
