I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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