He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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