I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
