I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
