I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
