who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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