Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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