Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
