mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
