I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
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She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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